That’s Bizarre

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These are Bizarre! And remember, it’s all true.

From my buddy Howard Salsitz

An indigent man walked into a bank in Lansing, Michigan, and asked a teller for 50 cents. The teller did not understand the soft-spoken bum, and thought she was being robbed, so she handed over the cash in her drawer—about $1300. The man took the money gratefully and walked out of the bank. It took police almost a week to find him. They haven't charged him with anything, because, according to a police spokesman, “He didn't do anything illegal. He went into the bank, asked for money, and they gave it to him.” Funny, they always seem to have some good excuse when I want some.


In other banking news, Terry Wilson was charged with robbery after passing an Orlando bank teller a stickup note written on the back of his probation-parole card.

And David Manns held up a bank in Tucson, Arizona, with a note written on the back of his own pay stub.


Herbert Lemon of Trenton, New Jersey, was arrested and charged with biting off the eyebrow of his girlfriend, Hazel Warner, when she tried to stop him from shooting another woman.


A company in Oregon has been investigated by the FDA for marketing a health-food supplement called blue-green manna. The substance is made from algae, and the manufacturer claims it contains helpful neuropeptides which detoxify the body. A lab analysis of the product, however, revealed that a 5 oz. sample of blue-green manna contained 15 whole or equivalent adult flies, 164 adult fly fragments, 41 whole maggots, 59 maggot fragments, 1 ant, 5 ant fragments, 763 various insect fragments, nine ticks, 4 mites, 2 rat or mouse hairs, 4 bird feathers, and 105,000 water fleas. Yes, but if they just called it “Pond Scum” it wouldn't sell as well.


Some actual maintenance complaints submitted by the USAF pilots and the replies from maintenance crews:

  • Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
     

  • Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
    Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
     

  • Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
    Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.
     

  • Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
    Solution: Evidence removed.
     

  • Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    Solution: That's what they're there for.
     

  • Problem: Number three engine missing.
    Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


Here’s a tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: “Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.”


Alert police officers in Florida thought something didn’t look right when they saw a car driving erratically down U.S. 19 — with a 3 1/2 foot orange and green lizard at the wheel. According to the Tampa Tribune, the officers followed the car for “a couple of miles” before they pulled it over, to find owner John Ruppell slouched down in the seat. Police official Larry Sams told the paper that the iguana was a “pretty good driver.” The lizard, named Finley, was taken into custody and delivered to the SPCA. Mr. Ruppel was arrested on a drunk driving charge. Remember, kids, don't drink and drive. You might spill. (Thanks to AylaII@aol.com)


In our Likely Story department this week, the crew of a trawler that sank in the Sea of Japan claimed their ship went down after “being struck by a cow which fell out of the clear blue sky.” According to Flying magazine, no one believed this absurd explanation—except the Russian military. It seems that the crew of a military cargo jet had stolen a cow they found wandering on a Siberian airfield, and loaded it aboard. While cruising at 30,000 feet, the terrified cow ran amok and jumped out of the plane.


In other aviation news, a plane in Tennessee had to make an emergency landing at the Nashville International Airport after hitting a deer. UPI reports that the pilot instructor was demonstrating “touch and go” landings. Next lesson: fun with “crash and burn.”


Allen Grant stole a Greyhound bus from an undisclosed city in the Midwest and drove it to Jackson, Mississippi, where he stole another bus. He drove this one to Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and stole a third bus. Grant was finally apprehended in Memphis, Tennessee, when he pulled into a gas station and ordered the attendant to “fill it up, and bill it to Greyhound.”


In Mortar, Italy, a dog shot and killed its master. Stefan Matrelli was out hunting when his dog fell into a ditch. When the hunter held out his rifle to help the dog up, it pulled the trigger.


What did you dream last night? According to the Dictionary of Dreams, if you dream of elderberries, gay social times are forecast. If, on the other hand, your dream is of falling on a sidewalk, you will live a long life … a long and clumsy life.

Page last updated on Wednesday, 03 August 2016 11:17 AM
(Updates are generally minor formatting or editorial changes.
Major content changes after May 3, 2015 are identified as "Revisions”)