How Cold Is Cold?

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An annotated thermometer (degrees Fahrenheit)

+50 New York tenants turn on the heat. Minnesotans plant gardens.
+40 Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans sunbathe.
+35 Italian cars don't start.
+32 Distilled water freezes.
+30 You can see your breath. You plan a vacation in Florida. Politicians begin to worry about the homeless. Minnesotans eat ice cream.
+25 Boston water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.
+20 Cleveland water freezes. San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA. Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts.
+15 You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!! Minnesotans go swimming.
+10 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. Too cold to snow. You need jumper cables to get the car going.
0 New York landlords turn on the heat.
-5 You can hear your breath. You plan a vacation in Hawaii.
-10 American cars don't start. Too cold to skate.
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Miamians cease to exist. Minnesotans lick flagpoles.
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens.
-25 Too cold to kiss. You need jumper cables to get the driver going. Japanese cars don't start. Minnesota Twins head for spring training.
-30 You plan a two-week hot bath. Bock beer production begins. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
-38 Mercury freezes. Too cold to think. Minnesotans button top button.
-40 Californians disappear. Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you. Minnesotans put on sweaters.
-50 Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window. Green Bay Packers practice indoors.
-60 Walruses abandon the Aleutians. Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens. Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby.
-70 Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets. Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI.
-80 Polar bears abandon Baffin Island. Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby.
-90 Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles. Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer.
-100 Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans pull down earflaps.
-173 Ethyl alcohol freezes.
-445 Superconductivity.
-452 Helium becomes a liquid.
-454 Hell freezes over.
-456 Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90.
-458 Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution.
-460 (Absolute Zero) All atomic motion ceases. Minnesotans allow as to how it's getting a mite nippy.

Page last updated on Wednesday, 03 August 2016 11:17 AM
(Updates are generally minor formatting or editorial changes.
Major content changes after May 3, 2015 are identified as "Revisions”)