Bobeshi’s Talmud

If your life is not in jeopardy for what you believe, you’re probably on the wrong side!
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The Eternal Jewish Truths, or
Your Grandmother’s Talmud

  • The optimist sees the bagel; the pessimist sees the hole.
  • If you can’t say something nice about someone, say it in Yiddish.
  • Its not who you know, it’s who you know had a nose job.
  • If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.
  • After the destruction of the second Temple, God created Loehmann’s.
  • Nobody looks good in a yarmulke.
  • Never pick your nose in shul, it’s the one place you know He’s watching.
  • Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
  • Goyim leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
  • 20 percent off is a bargain; 50 percent off is a mitzvah.
  • Wine needs to breathe, so don’t rush through the Kiddish.
  • Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn’t play ball on Yom Kippur.
  • There’s nothing like a good belch.
  • Israel is the land of Milk and Honey, Florida is the land of Milk of Magnesia.
  • Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice Hors d'oeuvre.
  • No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves a Jewish wedding with a hangover.
  • The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
  • If your name was Lipschitz, you would change it too.
  • Always whisper the names of diseases.
  • One mitzvah can change the world, two will just make you tired.
  • If you don’t eat, it will kill me.
  • Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
  • The most important word to know in any language is sale.
  • Where there’s smoke, there’s smoked salmon.
  • Never take a front row seat at a bris.
  • Prune Danish is definitely an acquired taste.
  • Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
  • Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
  • Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
  • You need ten men to make a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes to play pinochle.
  • A bad matzo ball makes a good paperweight.
  • A schemata is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
  • Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
  • Who do you think invented the 50 minute hour?
  • Before you read the menu, read the prices.
  • There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother he’s an adult. This usually happens around age 45.
  • According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
  • Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn’t Jewish.
  • No meal is complete without leftovers.
  • What business is a yenta in? Yours.
  • If you have to ask the price, You can’t afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everyone what you paid.
  • The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
  • Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn’t cure anything, but it makes you feel better.
  • Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.
  • Laugh now, but someday you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon!

Same story, different century … almost

A couple approaches the border crossing into Israel. The man is walking and the woman, pregnant, is riding on the donkey.

The border guard says, “Shalom. Welcome to the Holy Land. What is your destination?” He replies, “Bethlehem.”

“Oh?” says the guard, suspecting something here. Playing along, he asks, “And what are your names?” He replies, “I am Yoseph and this is my wife, Miriam. We are tired and are looking to find a place there to rest … perhaps a hayloft or manger somewhere in Bethlehem.”

Really feeling now like he is being played for a fool, the border guard says, “And I suppose you are going to name the child ‘Jesus’?!”

To which Joseph replies, “Goodness no, man! That’s not even a Jewish name! What do you think we are, Puerto Ricans?”

Page last updated on Wednesday, 03 August 2016 11:17 AM
(Updates are generally minor formatting or editorial changes.
Major content changes after May 3, 2015 are identified as "Revisions”)